>I weighed myself the other day. I had to do a double take at the read out – 13st 11lbs! EEk!
First came Denial – “I couldn’t possibly weigh that much”
Then Anger – “I can’t weigh that much! It’s not fair!”
Then Shifting Blame – “It’s all TOH’s fault, him and his insistence on driving everywhere.”
Then I thought about it a bit more and got Depressed – “It’s my fault for not being in control of what I put in my mouth. I’m sooo stupid!”
After a day of ignoring it and stuffing myself with comfort food, I went to bed and slept on it.
When I woke up this morning, Acceptance had set in. I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like a badly set jelly. I don’t mind the stretchmarks, but I wish they weren’t so noticeable. It’s my arms and thighs that I hate the most – they look like a 50 year old’s and I’m only 35 this year!
So I gave the kids their breakfast, made TOH a cup of tea in bed and got out the exercise kit.
I decided to try something new.
I have a Belly Dancing DVD – I’ve had it for ages and this morning, I thought it was about right. Gentle enough to not hurt and energetic enough to burn some calories.
I was sweating like a pig by the time I got half way through and that was mostly from trying to hold the basic posture – I wasn’t even aware that I had abs until I had to suck the flab in!
I did an hour of the basic moves and then ten minutes of a Cindy Crawford DVD as a cool down. I will probably ache all over tomorrow…
But I feel good about myself for the first time since I was rejected at the job interview. I didn’t realise quite how badly that rejection had knocked me down. That’s the thing with Depression, you see, you become very good at putting on a good face for other people.
Sometimes that helps, because if you are smiling on the outside, it works its way inside. But it also hinders. I find that I sometimes find that I hide how I am feeling from myself as well and it’s only when I pull up out of the trough, that I realise how bad I was feeling.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been at the bottom of a trough. I haven’t looked after myself at all. My hair was grungy, I was wearing horrible clothes and even when I went out, I looked bad. My mood has been horrendous and I’ve actually felt ill.
After exercising this morning, I had a shower. I scrubbed and rubbed and cleansed myself from top to toe.
It felt good.
I slathered on body lotion and did my face properly. I dried and styled my hair. And suddenly I knew I’d been slumped at the bottom of a depressive trough.
Between them, the scales and the exercise had been instrumental in picking me up again. I can smile again without it being forced or feel uncomfortable on my face, like an ill fitting Swimming Costume.
So right here and now, I’m calling a Do – Over.
I’m not aiming for a Bikini Body. I don’t want to run a marathon or take part in a Triathlon (Way too much work involved to get that fit) but I do want to tone up and get rid of the one thing which has been the bane of my life for the past ten years.
I am fed up with the mood slumps, the negativity and the self destruction. I am fed up with being someone who isn’t fit for any kind of job at all. I want to be me again.
3 thoughts on “>Hmmm – I look like a Jelly! DO – OVER!”
>The key is realistic goals. Most women say, I want to lose twenty pounds! Well, how about you start with five and go from there. Way ta go on getting out there lady, I know it's hard. xo
>The high you can get after exercise is amazing. Before I snapped my achilles tendon (don't try that, seriously) I used to play football and run, and the feeling after was just as you describe – a kind of euphoria. So keep it up Tiger! S x
>Im so glad you felt great after your belly dancing session! You go girl! And I know its not really about the weight, the weight is merely a symptom. I know EXACTLY what you are going through Mandy. Its all so linked…mind and body. If your body feels good your mind feels better. Its not about looking like Cindy Crawford, its about self acceptance and feeling proud of who you are. Feeling healthy and fit is a bonus. You are definitely on the right track :-DAnd…we all know that its not true that you are not fit for any kind of job at all. Even at your lowest ebb you have humour, warmth, talent and cleverness!!! 🙂 NB: just tried to post this and it wont let me post with my real name, only my google name. My real name is Lisa (Jay Dee's Lisa)
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