Words can poison…

Warning:

There will be a frank, detailed post about child abuse below. If you can’t stomach this subject, then you’d better look elsewhere for entertainment. 

Thank you for visiting,

K.Morgana

 

Life is difficult for me at the moment. There are things that are going right (for a change), but the things that are going wrong seem to over shadow them…

When I was eight, I was sexually abused by my grandfather (hereafter known as He / Him.)

He never touched my younger sister and he didn’t like women his own age. He was, in fact a paedophile, before the word was well known. I don’t have many memories of what happened to me in that period. It’s a confusing mish-mash of scenes and impressions, sounds and smells.

There are certain places that can trigger a recall for me and the sound of water running into a metal container often scares me. The things that I can remember are seen as if I am watching TV. I know what this is – it’s called “Out of Body” – and its a defence mechanism that children use when they are terrified. Things can happen to them and they won’t feel them.

I can still take myself out of body, but that’s more of a concious decision and I don’t do it very often.

One of the things that He used to do to me was rub himself up against my back. It was always a prelude to pain and I never wanted to think about it again, so I wiped the memory.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t actually wiped out; just locked tightly away and this morning, the memory got out. Suddenly I was eight again and being bent over the drivers seat in his van. It was a fleeting flash of a picture, but the feelings came flooding back. It made me seriously grumpy / grouchy / hard to live with / unable to touch or talk to.

Along with that, a discussion that TOH and I have been having for a while (6 years or so) about my libido and the fact that I’m not particularly keen on touching him when we make love,…

… Don’t worry, that’s all the detail on that discussion you’re getting – I’m not talking about that in public…

…came to a head. TOH and I had the worst row we’ve ever had. It came close to him walking out of my life at one point and the emotion triggered more memories. Next thing I know, words are pouring out of me. I needed to get it out – as if the memory or the words  were poisoning me.

I don’t remember what it was that I said. It’s almost as if it wasn’t me speaking. Maybe it was the terrified little girl from my past talking and my adult side had hidden away from the pain? Anyway, after things calmed down, we made up and I called a counsellor.

I’m fed up with having these episodes. I need to release the poison that is inside and the only way that is going to happen, is if I talk to someone. Someone who knows how to draw the poison out from my wounds and can put a plaster on to allow me to heal.

I’ve taken another step on my road to mental health today – a painful, but necessary one.

 

Homes, Memories, Hair and Feelings…

“A cottage, surrounded by trees with a stream nearby. Like one I used to know.”

This line from the animated movie “A Flight of Dragons” sums up what I am looking for in a house. I want something warm and cosy. Homely and close to Nature in all her glory. A place that I can grow old in and leave to my children.

I watch “Grand Designs” with a mixture of envy and admiration for those who can afford to drop all their money into building the home of their dreams. Admiration because as a designer, I know how much hard work, stress and fear there is involved with that big a project. I feel the envy because they are getting the home that they wished and dreamed for.

TOH gets depressed when he watches shows like “Grand Designs” and “Location, Location, Location”.

I think it’s because he’s feeling more envy than admiration.

My friend moved recently. She had all sorts of trials and tribulations to be able to do it, but she finally managed to move to a gorgeous house in the mountains, surrounded by trees…

…And yes, I am seriously jealous. However, I am also proud of her. She worked hard to get that house, and will work harder still to keep it. That’s her way.

So, as I sit here and look around my cramped and cluttered rented house, I begin to wonder if I will ever get my dream cottage?

 * * *

I have to admit, I’m not exactly the most ambitious person in the world and I find it difficult to motivate myself to chase after any of my dreams. Even writing can be difficult to motivate myself to pursue, despite having set foot on the publishing ladder with Pfoxchase.

I regularly need nagging to get all sorts of jobs done – housework, job hunting, finishing craft projects – to name just a couple of them. I’m just not a driven person. I float along in a dream world, stories and characters flitting through my head, begging to be written about. Most of them get tired of nagging me and go bother other writers instead.

Is there something wrong with me?

When I was a teenager, I set myself some goals. Now please bear in mind, I was sixteen when I set these and I didn’t know a great deal, especially about how the world worked…

  • Have a Career.
  • Get Married.
  • Buy a House.
  • Have Children.
  • Become a Published Author.

Now, I’m thirty-seven in October. I’m still young in age terms and I have a great deal more to do and experience before I decide to give up on life. When I wrote the goals down from my sixteen-year-old self, I laughed at that girl’s naivety.

So far this is how life has really happened –

  • Had Children – They are lovely and I wouldn’t be without them or their father.
  • Started a Career – I haven’t finished with it yet!
  • Became a Published Author – I’ve had short stories published, I’ve self published my own book and I’ve been snapped up by a publishing company. It’s only the start, but it is a good one!

Two of my five life goals haven’t been managed yet.

  • Getting married – requires money and a man who actually wants to be married.
  • Buy a House – Just requires Money. More than I can actually visualise having actually.

The sad thing is, I can’t see those last two ever happening.

Don’t get me wrong, I love TOH to pieces and would never leave him, but something inside of me feels incomplete. I don’t know what it is, if I did, I’d be able to fill in the hole. Is it marriage? How am I supposed to tell unless I try it?

Buying a house… well, unless we win the lottery, I can’t see it happening at all. Neither TOH or I make enough money to do more than pay the bills and we can’t afford to save for a mortgage at all. Let alone buy a place like the one that I described.

* * *

We watched “Tangled” the other day.

“Tangled”, for the information of those without children, is the Disney version of Rapunzel. This is the latest movie and the 50th Disney Classic.

The story line is actually fairly close to the original Brothers Grimm story. The animators have managed to include the classic Disney hand drawn style with the modern CGI in a way that make the film unique.

However, I’m not talking about it just because I love the movie. There is an incantation in the movie that struck me right to the heart of what’s been bothering me recently.

Healing Incantation

Flower gleam and glow
Let the power shine
make the clock reverse
bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt
change the Fate’s design
save what has been lost
bring back what once was mine,
what once was mine

When I think about my dream house – “A cottage, surrounded by trees with a stream nearby. Like one I used to know.”  – I see a blurry version of the house I grew up in.

In dreaming about owning a house with trees around it, am I really dreaming about recapturing my childhood?

In wanting to get married, am I trying to compensate for my parent’s divorce?

Is that hole inside me the product of losing my childhood in the way I did and my parents splitting up?

Unlike Rapunzel in the film, I can’t “make the clock reverse” or “save what has been lost”. I certainly can’t “bring back what once was mine” – I have to accept those things happened to me and move on with my life.

So do I need to fill the hole up at all?